How Do I Tell My Husband He's Fat?

How Do I Tell My Husband He’s Fat?3 min read

Not too many years ago, I was at least 40 pounds overweight. I don’t know if my wife ever thought it, but I know she never said, “You’re fat.” She never told me, “You need to lose weight.”

So, what is a wife to do when her husband is fat?

Do what my wife did.

My wife continued to show physical and verbal affection. She continued to express appreciation for me.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Yeah, but if I don’t say something about his size, he won’t do anything about it.”

That’s true. He also won’t do anything about it if you say something.

He knows he’s fat.

You don’t need to tell him what he already knows. Doing so, will only cause him to be defensive.

Would you really want your husband to make negative comments about your weight? Of course not.

If you’re concerned about your husband’s waist size, consider the following:

1) Understand why your husband’s weight bothers you.

Get introspective. His weight bothers you because you have a dream that isn’t being fulfilled. What is that dream? Is your dream for a long and healthy life together? Do you dream of a more active lifestyle together that’s hindered by his health? Do you want to be admired by other women who see you with him? Whatever it is that bothers you, you need to be able to put your finger on it.

2) Invite your husband to a discussion about your dreams for each other’s health and appearance?

That’s going to be a sensitive topic for both of you. Not only will your husband get insight into what you want for him. It could be that you haven’t been fulfilling your husband’s dreams about you. After all, 6 out of 10 of us are overweight.

Put some guardrails on the discussion.

  • No criticism. See my post on how to avoid criticism, and read it together. Focus on sharing your dreams. Describing your dreams means putting into words what you want for each other. Be careful to not slip into describing what you don’t want–that easily turns into criticism and an end to the discussion.
  • Take turns speaking and listening. Decide together who will share their dreams first. Flip a coin if necessary. Also, unless you have unlimited time, agree on a time limit for each person to share their dreams. While each person shares the other listens without interruption.
  • Summarize what you understand. Once a person has shared their dream, the person listening needs to tell them in their own words what they heard. As you listen to you spouse summarize your dream, gently clear up any misunderstanding without criticism. As you summarize your understanding of your spouse’s dream, gracefully welcome any corrections you receive.
  • Have your discussion in a place and time where interruptions can be minimized. Turn off smartphones. Do it after the kids are in bed, or when they’re not home. Turn off the TV. Take a walk together.

3) Form a plan on how to help each other achieve a shared dream. 

As you listen to each other’s dreams, chances are you’ll see places where your dreams intersect. Focus your attention on where your dreams connect, not where they disconnect. Perhaps you both want to each more nutritiously, exercise more, or achieve other fitness goals. Whatever it is your dreams share in common, collaborate on a plan on how you can work together in fulfilling that part of your dreams.

When I was overweight, I stayed that way because I didn’t know how to lose it. It was when my wife and I discovered we had a shared dream of eating nutritiously for better health, that I began to take the weight off. We invested in that dream together by juice fasting together, choosing to eat differently.

Don’t tell your husband he’s fat.

Discover his dreams, and tell him yours.

Then team up to pursue a shared dream.

How Do I Tell My Husband He’s Fat? #marriage

Click to Tweet
Jon Beaty

I'm a counselor, writer and believer in the power of God to help you thrive in your marriage and family. I live with my family, a small herd of Boer goats, and thousands of honeybees near Portland, Oregon.

>